As Albert  Camus shared: “A [wo/man's] work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover, through the detours of art, those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened.”

The other day I was driving back home from a meeting and a car that almost slammed right into mine brought reality to my path. I don’t need any more sudden near death experiences to jolt me. But they do have a tendency to bring our lives to a complete halt. And  once again I realized what I already knew: that I need to slow down and be present. I was grateful that we avoided a life altering disaster and no, I wasn’t at fault. I was awake enough to hit my breaks in time. [And I am grateful]. And guess what, the driver that almost crashed into me was in a rush to get somewhere so they didn’t miss something really important (it could have been the rest of their life). It’s amazing how we keep going and going. Humans are so driven and I am fascinated with what continually drives us. Much of it is stuff that our brains were fed as children:

• We must get the best grades at school [the real message: we have to be #1 because the best have the greatest lives]
• We must have friends and be socially “aceptable” [the real message: the people who are most active with the most friends are the most successful. The popular bully the outliers and "nerds" so you must be in the cool group]
• We must make the team – [the real message: whatever team applies and is important to your family whether it's sports, arts, the popular kids ... is the one that will help us win in life. You must not ever be labeled a "loser"]
• We must wear or have [insert brand] to be cool and popular [the real message: buy my shit so you too can be accepted by the cool kids. The external wrapping will determine your success)
• We must get ahead at school and at work [the real message: moving up the ladder shows that you are successful and worthy .. and yet, no one tells us how lonely it can be at the top].

So as I hit my breaks, my mouth started saying these words (after, of course, I found myself yelling “holy shit”): “Go  s l o w! Slow it down!” I often see  people weaving on the highways trying to go faster and I wonder why are they in such a rush. I know it’s irritating when you move to California from the east coast and realize that people on the west coast don’t understand our eastern rule that the left lane (the fast lane) is for driving and passing other cars. If you want to go slow on the east coast, you never ever drive in the left lane. But here, the rules are different and people drive in whatever lane they want — regardless of whether they are going fast or slow. Maybe instead of irritating me, I should just be present and enjoy the journey? Maybe this is part of my unlearning?

We are so wired to succeed that it is only years later when there is a life event that forces us to stop that we ask ourselves: “But, what does being successful really mean to me?” It is no longer about what someone else defines for us. Recently, a friend who is young and obsessed with the notion of success (external recognition) asked me if I saw myself as successful because of my career. My answer probably shocked him: “Success for me is the ability to learn. I don’t believe in the notion of failure. Failure to me is not trying.”  The people who I see as successful are not the glorified celebrities but the people who create and do because it’s what they believe. What some of my friends and I like to call the “unsung.” The real heroes who simply do because they can.

If we are lucky enough to have our health, it’s about the choices we make. No one else can tell us what’s right or wrong for us. As I shared in a recent conference talk  (slides 23 and 24): ” cookie cutters only really work when you are baking.” So, what are you doing to stand out in the crowd to pursue your creativity and art?

Too many people spend their lives looking for themselves, not comprehending that they are right there.  No search required.  Just an ability to open our eyes, minds and hearts to what is possible.

It is easy to follow and fit in and so many people dream of “making it” = being chosen. Being accepted. That title we pursue so hard at work is supposed to define us and signify that we have arrived. Isn’t that what success is all about?

It took me a long time to get here — to divorce my job — and I am now trying to make every second count. It would have been easy to stay working for a large known company in a world where work defines us. But that would have been too easy and painful at the same time. Not being allowed to bring who we are to work is a huge price to pay.

I was at a workshop yesterday where Maynard Webb spoke and no, I haven’t read his new book yet. But I liked what he had to say. He shared that  one of his jobs had him relocate nine times and that his family is spread across the country. He also pointed out that “work changes the trajectory of your family” and it’s true because it is a given that your family will understand the importance of work: the late conference calls, the travel, the early conference calls, the weekend work, the urgent calls, the stress …

I had dinner with a friend who was “laid off” and when he shared with me how his spouse is reacting, it made me think about how much organizations take for granted about the family. Why is there no “outplacement-like” service offered to spouses and partners? The stress of losing a job is hard enough and when the “laid off” employee goes home, he or she is not only dealing with the loss after 14+ years but also with the family’s fear of how the bills will be paid, especially the mortgage and tuition. Yes, I know. It’s life. And we all manage somehow. But as Maynard Webb said: “Work shouldn’t be a burden.”

The Chains …

Life is messy.  Shit happens.  People don’t always do the right thing.  It’s a fact of life.  So we can either change our expectations or get frustrated.  I choose to find the people in this world I can create with. They are the ones that truly allow me to bring myself  to work with no chains and know that our efforts will make a difference. I am talking to people every day as a way to learn and grow.

What does doing the hard work mean to you?

p.s. Check out Maynard Webb’s framework, which he describes as a “template for you as you begin to rework how you think about your career and your life.”

And it’s hard work. Many of us go to school in the hope of getting a job where we can practice what we learned. We believe that once we exit high school and “grow up,” there is a system out there that is just. The irony is that high school usually is closer to reality than we could ever imagine in terms of showing us how people can behave.

And what is Sarah’s major crime at work? She does great work and brings all of herself to the company. She gets recognized externally for her community work and she is one of the most humble women I know. She does great work. But her heart is not set in power or politics. She does not want to play the game.

What is Sarah’s major crime? It’s simple. She threatens her boss both by her success and because she does not play the game. She will never win with her boss. And her boss will create situations where she will use power and authority to put Sarah “in her place.” I have been watching this cat and mouse game for a few years now. My main two cents were:

People who are smart can see what is going on. As it is obvious. You have to protect your energy every time you interact with a boss like this. It’s sad but there are some very insecure people in the world who take pleasure from having power. Pity them. It’s all they know. Imagine how pathetic their lives must be if it makes them feel good to bring another person down. Stand your ground and every time she pushes on you, don’t react. She will never change and stop expecting her to change. The only person who can change the situation is you; by either not reacting to her or moving to a new job. It takes courage and an understanding that we have choices.

I am so proud of Sarah. She has managed to overcome the hurt by simply investing in herself to change her situation. She now has a path and strong allies. Will it be easy? Absolutely not. But if life is all about learning, all we can do is feel, decide and keep going. And get other people you trust to help you see..

You are never stuck in your situation. You can always do something to change. It’s totally up to you to feel defeated or take action. No one can do it for you. Others can only listen and offer support. Know that it’s a game and play your position. What’s the worst thing that can happen?

We have choices. You are allowed to make your own rules and never let anyone get in your way. If you keep encountering the same roadblock — a bad relationship or stressful work situation — then there is a lesson you have yet to learn.

Take this precious time, dig deep inside and break the pattern. I recently went to dinner with a colleague who is still at Cisco. For the first time, I was able to see how he saw me at work; through his eyes. It was not pretty as he saw a woman who gave 250% of herself to her job. This explained why I felt so depleted. The challenge is that most people don’t want to do the hard work. And yet, they stay frustrated in their situations. There are no guarantees. You never can predict what’s next despite all the people in the world who tell you to follow your dreams. If it was so simple wouldn’t they teach this to us in school?

Last week at Wisdom 2.0, I sat around the table with 10 strangers talking about courage. It showed me how much we get stuck in the narrative of who we are and what people expect of us. It was a strained conversation since everyone had a different definition of courage and I found people talking at me rather than having a conversation. There were three people trying to sell their company’s coaching services and touting their PhDs and titles. There was Daisy who works with at risk youth in South Chicago who was trying to figure out how to make her rent payment in March while the youth she is working with don’t get killed in a gang. And she burst into tears that she didn’t want to become a burden on her family but she wants to help these young people stay alive. She is doing it on her own. Now, that was courage. But no one had the courage to help her. They could talk about courage but could they act?

There is no destination. Just a series of life lessons. Cherish time and be very present. Focus on what is possible for you. Here is what I am thinking about: Do we pay attention to courage? Do you celebrate it when you face a fear and try to face it?

One day I woke up and realized that there is nothing left in the organization that I wanted. I was a c-level executive in a $2+ billion business. There was no promotion. There was no title. There was no project. There was no purpose.I felt like work became a giant vacuum cleaner that kept sucking up my energy. My reward for doing good work was more work. 

I kept telling myself stories about why I need to stay and I was brought up to keep going. “You never quit.” And there was also something that kept me there (partly the misperception of security and since I now live in the US, healthcare was a huge barrier to leaving). It was that I loved my team and the amazing people I worked with. Advocating for women, the younger employees and doing excellent work kept me going. I had a lot of responsibility and yet in all that, I lost a piece of myself.

It took an awful flight to let me know that I was simply done.  I was being approached with opportunities to work in new areas.  I wanted to have meaning, purpose and the ability to do work that matters. And so I jumped on the first opportunity and in retrospect I call joining the start-up  my “rebound relationship” after divorcing my job. We broke up a few months later. We are all better for it. It was not a good fit. But I would never have known that had I not tried.

And here is what I am trying to share: don’t get stuck with misconceptions and what is expected of you. The road to success is always under construction. Try. Try again. And never, ever give up. Some times something not working out is a gift although it takes time to see it that way.

What are you trying? What’s right in front of you that you are not seeing? Who can help you see?

If you see life as a journey, you won’t expect instant gratification. Like any journey, there are highs, lows and twists in the road.

I feel sad when people give up hope. My take is that when you run into roadblocks, you need to:

1. Stop and breathe. Always breathe.

2. Turn down the volume on the voice in your head. What’s in your control? What can you do right now?

3.Are you waiting to be picked for the next job, project or event? What can you do to pick yourself?

And lastly, be kind to yourself. Sometimes you start something and it’s not for you. That’s not failure. That’s wisdom. Know when to turn up the volume and when to simply walk away.

Since I left my job at Cisco, I have been connecting with a lot of fantastic people. I have 3-4 new conversations a week either through Skype, Google Hangouts or meeting in person. (I want to include Zoom in that soon). When I ask for help,  people are connecting me to both new ideas and other smart people. It’s exhilarating to have so many meaningful interactions and some turn into friendships and maybe even more.

Having designed and implemented billion dollar strategies for organizations, it is refreshing to not be following a PowerPoint plan but taking the first step of listening and learning. I have some really big, crazy ideas that I am working on but I am doing my research first and learning how to shift from having to be the “expert” to the “artist” and “creator.”

And while I was never trained to ask for help, — That was always seen as a weakness I had to unlearn — it is becoming easier and easier as I think of myself as a Connector and in the connection economy, asking for what you want becomes far more important to get to where you want to be.

If you are looking at ways to take charge, start telling yourself that you can simply do it and also ask for help.

I’d love to hear your ideas about how you are asking for help and what I can learn from it as I further grow.

One of the reasons people tire of social media is not because of the tools but because people are yelling at us and trying to get our attention (like old world advertising). They are telling us who we should be friends with, what words we shouldn’t use on our LinkedIn profile and what we should think about important issues. 

The first time I went to SxSW many years ago, I flew from San Francisco to Austin. A man was boarding the plane and I couldn’t see who he was. But this is what I heard:

Flight attendant: “Sir, you can’t bring that open bottle of beer on the plane.”
Man: “Come on. It’s a great beer.”
Flight attendant: “It’s the law.”
Man: ” Don’t you know who I am?”
Flight attendant: “Neither I nor the law cares.”

When he came on the plane, I giggled. He was a so called social media “guru” and no one outside of this community had a clue that he was a self proclaimed authority and expert.

Let’s get back to basics. Let’s please call bullshit on bullshit. Life is too short!

Don’t let anything or anyone get in your way of who you want to be and what you want to do. We all have choices. Make one today.

You may have thought that by going to school, getting a degree and a fabulous job that your life would be a happy one. And yet, you wake up in the morning in dread. Wednesday gets you excited because it’s almost Friday and the weekend (is that why they call it hump day?). Then, the weekend finally comes around and “holy shit, it’s Monday” and it all starts all over again. And you feel like you never have time for what you want to do since all your time is caught up with your job and your life commitments. Is that what they mean when they talk about work-life balance? When you think about it, isn’t balance a myth that can never be achieved? Why on earth do we need balance? What we really want is the time to do what matters to us, without everyone else’s agendas.

A friend recently shared with me that  ”my job is my life. My everything”  and another friend worked until from 7:00 am to midnight yesterday getting a proposal out so her company could make more money. Yes, it’s a job. But why on earth do we make it our lives? And there are so many workers who are waking up wanting more. We want meaning and purpose. We also know that we need to make a living and pay our bills. It’s a catch 22 that is difficult to get out of. It takes determination and hard work to come up with a plan for yourself. But let me tell you, it’s worth it.

Simply know that tomorrow if the company that you love and affiliate with needed to cut expenses, the first thing they will do is look at how to cut costs by cutting their people. It’s ironic because they spend so much time, energy and money to attract the brightest talent. But if it comes down to cutting costs, the precious talent is the first to go. That’s why no one believes executives when they say “people are most important assets.” The talk and the walk rarely align.

What is the hard work you want to do or do you want to always think about the “what if”? I recently asked myself what I am a slave to as a way to help me get unstuck. What’s on your list?

Many of the people in my world are surrounded by abundance and choices. There are an infinite number of coffee options for us to explore from Caffe Americano to Latte to French Press. And I always laugh when I remember this scene in LA Confidential: “I’ll have a half caf doublé de cap. No, make that a single caf cap reg cap.” ”I’ll have a decaf coffee.” ”I’ll have a decaf espresso.” ”I’ll have a double decaf cappuccino.” ”Do you have any decaffeinated coffee ice cream?” Finally, Martin delivers the nut: ”I’ll have a double decaf, half caf, with a twist of lemon.”

The abundance of coffee choices makes no one particularly happy. Because it’s not about the number of choices we have. With all this abundance, people are still feeling like they are running on empty.

So what is starving in abundance really about? It’s about being clear and true to what we want. Not what we are told we should wear and what store we need to buy it from. Where we should work and how fast we should climb the corporate ladder. How our relationships should be. The best way to raise our kids. The ultimate way not to waste our time. The books and movies we must experience. The social networks that we have to spend time on. And it goes on an on.

Are you starving in abundance? I know I was. It became such a health hazard that I had to get out. The price was too high. And I worked at a great company but the  most recent culture felt more like a prison than a place I could continue to innovate. I had lots of choices and opportunities to continue to move up in my career at the company but when I realized I was starving in abundance, I had to do the hard work. I had to face that I actually could make a decision about the direction of my life that pleases me. Not what is expected of me.

And it is hard work since people constantly want to know what I’m doing. No so much how I am feeling. But the pressure cooker we are all in is one where what we do defines us. And what we forget is that these choices can also work for us.

My question to you is what are you a slave to? What’s in your control to do? And please think it through (that’s the strategist in me writing!)